Stuck in the Mud…

stuck in the mud

“She says she’s fine but she’s going insane. She says she feels good but she’s in a lot of pain. She says it’s nothing but it’s really a lot. She says she’s okay but really she’s not.”

                                                                                      —Anonymous

The only sign of life was the constant beeping of the bedside monitor showing the vital signs of life. Beside the monitor sat a tired looking Vikram. Stressful days, sleepless nights and the frequent occurrences of Maya’s periods of elation and hyper-activity had taken a toll on his youthful looking forever smiling face. It was in one of those periods of elation that Maya had just walked into the river when Vikram was busy playing a game of volleyball with his friends. It was the just the view of the finger tips that Vikram noticed when he went to pick up the stray ball that had rolled beside the river bank. Maya’s wedding ring had picked up a ray of the sun and gave a last cry for help before sinking. Vikram at once had jumped into the icy cold waters of the river and had pulled out a pale looking Maya who was almost on the verge of drowning.

Maya had spent dazed days and disturbed nights after the death of her baby. It had been almost a year since then. The once vivacious Maya had become the quiet one; her infectious energy and zeal for life had eroded away; the copious smile had disappeared. She was always engrossed in deep thoughts. She would often talk differently as if she was looking at the world from the haze of a veil. She would spend hours criss-crossing her food idly on her plate on the dinner table; occasionally looking up to listen to Vikram’s stories of the day; try hard to concentrate; try even harder; fail; and resume the criss-crossing. The days would be no different. Often she would not go to work. The headaches kept on coming back. Previously she used to get those headaches only in the afternoons when it was very hot but these days they have been coming back at every odd and even hour. Whenever she was at home Maya would just lie down on the bed or sit on the chair in her study, fold her legs, pull them close to her and gaze out of the window; looking at the birds on the trees chirping merrily.

“What are they so happy about?” she would think. “Why am I not happy? Where is my baby? Why do all the bad things happen to me?”

“Are you okay Maya?”

Maya looked up and saw an anxious looking Vikram.

“Oh yes I am fine.” She said smilingly.

“What were you thinking Maya? And look you have spilled your tea.”

Maya looked down on the floor. She could see her life in the spilled milk. Meaningless lines going towards meaningless destinations.

“Maya what’s the matter? Why are you so lost? Are you okay?”

“I am fine Vikram; just a bit tired and having a headache.”

“These Migrane attacks have increased oflate Maya; are you sure you do not want to see a doctor?”

“I will lie down a while. They will go away. Don’t worry.”

Vikram knew all was not well with Maya. She has been lost since she had lost their child. What a mother goes through when she loses her child is beyond the realm of imagination of a man. A life she had nurtured within her and which had grown slowly inside her little by little every-day is incomprehensible in words. A bond so strong that started even before it came into this world. Vikram had assumed that resuming work would help Maya get over the loss, but things worsened. Often Maya forgot to disembark the bus and miss her stop; she would walk over the edge of the window and stoop out precariously; she would forget to eat her meals for the entire day; sometimes she would just walk out of the office and sit on the middle of the road staring blankly at the honking traffic dangerously swishing past her; and most of the times Maya would just sit in the corner of her cabin, fold her legs, bury her face in the circle of her hands and cry. Vikram would often receive a frantic call from Maya’s boss asking him to take her home. After every urgent call for help from Maya’s office, after every psychotic episode of Maya, Vikram hoped Maya’s condition would change; he hoped that the emptiness and the desperation that Maya felt after the loss would eventually be filled and Maya would come out of it one day; he just hoped and prayed for the day to come soon.

It was a frigid winter afternoon when Vikram received yet another distressed call from Maya’s boss.

“Vikram you need to come to the office immediately.”

“What is the matter? Is Maya alright? Is she crying again? Is she having her panic attacks once again?”

“Vikram Maya is in the terrace walking dangerously on the edge. All our pleas have been falling on deaf ears. It is like she is in a different world altogether. We just don’t know what to do. Vikram please you need to rush, please.”

The call ended and Vikram looked stunned at the phone.

“Are you ready for the presentation Vikram?”

Vikram looked up and saw his boss barging inside his room. He stopped as he saw the distraught Vikram staring creepily at his cell-phone.

“Vikram are you alright? Is everything okay? Is Maya alright?” he asked.

Maya’s condition wasn’t a secret anymore given the number of times Vikram had to rush out of busy meetings and important presentations just to reach her on time.

“I have to go Sushil, Maya is in trouble. I can’t lose her. I have lost my child but I can’t lose her. I have to go.”

Vikram rushed out of his cabin even before his boss could say or ask anything.

When Vikram reached the terrace of Maya’s office building he saw Maya sitting on the edge, her feet dangling and she looking up at the clouds, talking; sometimes smiling; sometimes raising her hands and calling someone; sometimes hugging herself or someone she was imagining.

“Maya” Vikram said.

Maya turned around as she heard Vikram’s voice and smiled. The smile that had vanished from Maya’s pretty face since the baby died, the smile that Vikram loved so much, the smile that would make all troubles vanish from Vikram’s life, the smile of Maya, Vikram’s Maya.

“Hi Vikram, what are you doing here? Oh look our baby has started walking. It is almost a year isn’t it. I was worried why she isn’t walking. But look now she has. I always get worried so much.” Maya said.

“Maya you need to hold my hand and get down from there.”

“But Vikram my baby wants me to sit here and wait till she reaches me.” Maya said.

“Why don’t you come to me and we both can wait together for her.” Vikram said.

Maya looked at Vikram and then her baby, she rose up a bit, stopped, looked at her baby again, looked at Vikram, rose up again, reached for Vikram’s hand and came down from the edge. Vikram hugged Maya tightly. Maya closed her eyes and fainted in his arms.

That was the day when Vikram decided that Maya needs medical help. He could not risk her life once again. He even hired a nurse to be with Maya all the time. Maya was too precious for Vikram and he needed to protect her. Vikram knew the loss of the baby had been an irreparable tragedy for Maya and Maya was unable to get out of it even after a year. He knew he had to see a doctor and seek medical help. Maya was depressed, dangerously depressed.

“How are you feeling today Maya?” The doctor asked.

It was the second week since Maya’s therapy sessions began. Vikram literally had to fight with Maya to convince her to take the therapy. Day by day Maya’s condition was deteriorating. One day Maya had left home for work but never turned up. Her boss had called up Vikram to enquire about her health. It was then Vikram learnt that Maya hasn’t shown up for work although she had left home in the morning citing urgent work that needed to be finished in her office. In fact there was a very important corporate presentation that she had to make that day. Her company was about to seal a deal with a large multinational company and her presentation was crucial.

Vikram frantically started making calls on Maya’s cell-phone to check on her. But every-time he ended up in the voicemail service. He called all her friends to check whether she had secretly planned some-day out with one of them. But everyone was busy on a weekday. Vikram rushed to Sushil’s cabin and barged inside bulldozing the meeting Sushil was having.

“Sushil I need to rush home. Maya hasn’t turned up for work although she had left home in the morning for the same. I am unable to reach her on her cell-phone. I just need to check whether she has returned home or not?”

Having said whatever he needed to say to his boss, Vikram rushed out of his office and was soon on his way home. Just before the final turn of the lane that ended right in front of his bungalow, Vikram caught sight of Maya, sitting under a tree playing with a doll. He jumped out of the car and ran towards Maya.

“Maya are you okay? Why aren’t you answering your phone? Why are you not at work? You had an important presentation to make today what happened?

Vikram threw a barrage of questions at Maya. But Maya continued playing with her doll.

“Why are you playing with a doll Maya?” Vikram asked.

“Are you insane Vikram? This is not a doll, this is my baby. Look how big she has grown. Look at her eyes, they look just like you. She has even started walking.” Maya snapped without even looking at Vikram.

Vikram was speechless. He wasn’t sure what to say. Instead of going for work, Maya had walked into a toy store and bought herself a doll that she saw as her baby, her lost baby.

“I feel trapped.” Maya told her doctor finally after a conspicuous silence of about 10 min.

“Why do you feel trapped Maya?” The doctor asked.

“Because I am unable to go to my baby. My baby has started walking; she keeps on falling down and cries a lot; she gets hurt; I want to hold her; I want to cuddle her; I want to kiss her. But I am unable to do anything. She is there right in front of me but I am unable to touch her. She is crying so much; blood is coming out from her wound; my baby is in lot of pain and I am unable to help her. Why am I here? What a bad mother I am? Oh my baby my poor little baby!”

Before Maya could even finish saying, she got up and walked towards the window. Vikram jumped and caught hold of her; brought her back as she tried jostling her way out of his firm grip on her shoulders. The doctor had to give her a sedative to calm her down. It was the same case each time Maya and Vikram attended the therapy sessions. Maya grew violent after sometime and had to be administered a sedative to calm her nerves. She would then sleep for about an hour. Then she would wake up as normal and energetic as she always was. She never remembered the psychotic periods.

“What is the whole point living when we are going to die eventually?” said Maya in one of the sessions.

It had been 6 months since Maya started her therapies and almost 2 years since the death of her baby.

“Why do you want to die Maya? You have a great career; you have a loving husband, you have money, power, status; everything. You have everything that we seek for in our lives. Then why are you not happy and why do you want to die,” asked the doctor. “You know Maya it is very important to appreciate life because we really do not know what might happen the next moment and everything changes in a blink of an eye.” He continued.

“There is a funeral going on in my brain,” Maya said. “I have no reason to be happy. This life is a trap for me. It is a trap that is separating me from my baby. What is the point living without my baby. I just want to do less, think less and live less. Without my baby living this life is worthless and meaningless.” Maya said as she again got up and tried to wiggle her way from Vikram towards the open window.

The session again had the familiar ending and Maya woke up smiling and vivacious as ever; as if nothing had happened; no visible sign of any emotional struggle and pain.

It was the New Year’s Eve and Maya and Vikram had planned a pre-new year bash at their home. All of their friends and colleagues were invited. There was a smoking barbeque at a corner with Sushil, Vikram’s boss roasting some chicken. The boys were busy playing a game of volleyball and the girls were enjoying Madhav’s jokes. Madhav was Maya’s brother.

Maya suddenly saw her baby walking by the river bank that flowed beside their house surrounded by a patch of woodland. Maya got up and started walking towards her. She wanted to play in the water and wanted her mother to join her. Maya was very happy that day. Her baby was walking all by herself without any help. Her tiny footsteps made little prints on the sand. Maya followed the footprints that vanished into the water. Oh she was having so much fun; her little baby was so happy; splashing the water; cackling and making bubbles with her mouth. “Oh my baby; my Pinky Pie, my darling!!” Maya thought as she waded through the water following her baby.

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As You walk#MomsForABetterWorld

motherdaughter

https://youtu.be/GMIcjdWpNcE

The things I want to tell my daughter as she goes down the ‘Road of Life’ are endless; things that were passed on to me by my mother and things that life taught me. Among all these things I want to teach her never to take people and relationships for granted. Relationships are like the air we breathe, the water we drink and the ground that we stand firmly on. Relationships give meaning to our lives. And these relationships are very delicate and should be handled with utmost care, passion and compassion; once broken can be mended but cracks will always be there.

‘People come and go, they never stay

Like the water flows and moves her way

But the ripples caused once in a while

Make a significant difference in our lives’

The small pebbles lying on the river bed are like the uncountable people we meet in our lives and the ripples caused by these benign pebbles can be rhetoric with the relationships that we build with these people. Relationships which help us survive as a social animal; relationships which help us salvage the troubling times in our lives. Why people and relationships should be important in my daughter’s life can be summarised in the following five lessons from my life:

  1. Relationships make us feel wanted

Have you ever thought what is the most important thing people need in their lives? Is it money? No. Is it achievements? No. Is it recognition? No. Then what is it that we all need to survive in this socialistic framework? What is the thing that is biggest of all and which reduces all the materialistic pleasures to peanuts? It is love. Yes we all need to love and be loved. Unfortunately, in this materialistic world we are so obsessed with other things that we forget how beautiful it is to love and be loved. But don not let this happen to you. Love is a wonderful feeling so love others and be loved. A humble phone call wishing someone happy birthday can go a long way than buying expensive gifts. Get a taste of love. And how do you do that? Through relationships. Nurturing relationships is the only way. There is no better way you can love and be loved but through relationships.

  1. Relationships is the source of life’s greatest joy

The inseparable part of any relationship is giving. In fact, I believe that there is no genuine relationship without giving. Whether it is giving your time, or your attention, or money, or just a candid smile, genuine relationship is all about giving. It is all about giving a human touch. And believe it or not, there is immense joy in giving. More often than not we are so indulged in thinking only about ourselves that we forget about the joy of giving. Treat a poor, hungry child with the sandwich you just bought from the store or donate some money when a natural disaster has struck a nation, the contentment ad the happiness that you will feel in this giving is priceless; something that money can never buy. Life is wonderful when we are thinking about others and not just ourselves.

3. Relationship help you sail through troubled times 

When we are going through difficult times, we need other people to support us. No one can take care of everything by himself. When the world looks dark and the problem looks big, nothing is more valuable than the support of people we love. Being surrounded and supported by people whom we love and who love us help us get through the darkest phase. They encourage us to go through and not hang up our boots, they assist us and guide us in our times of trouble, and they are always willing to share the burden with us. The journey will become much easier if we make the journey with people who matter in our lives. If we do not have the support of our loved ones then slipping deep into the darkness and getting lost in it is the greatest possibility.

4. Relationships help in building trust

Imagine you want to buy a TV and you are unable to decide which is the best one for you. And then suddenly you remember your friend Matt who is a tech geek. You trust his judgement and recommendation completely on any electronic gadget and equipment. So you give him a call and he tells you to go for a certain product. You are walking down the lane to the nearest shop and there is this stranger who comes to you and says that go for another product than the one Matt advised you on. Which advice will you listen more, the one from someone you don’t really know, or the one from someone you know and trust? Of course the latter. We appreciate the people we love and trust more than anyone else. Their words sink deep into our hearts, and not just our minds. We value their thoughts and their opinions. That’s why the most effective way to have a lasting impact on others is by building relationships with them. Be their friend and care about them, and I’m sure they in turn will listen to you and respect your opinions.

5. At the end relationships are the only things that matter

Imagine you have everything that you could possibly ask for in your life, money, name, fame, awards, achievements. Yet you are the only person living in your mansion. When you walk down on the sand beach, the only footprints that you see are yours. No one to share your happiness, no one to share your pain.

When people are dying they do not think about their achievements and awards. They don’t care whether they are rich or famous. All the materialistic pleasures that we keep seeking life-long suddenly become meaningless. All they want is having the people they love around them; all they want is the warmth of love to be with them in their last moments. Nothing else matters. They realize that, eventually, relationships are the only things that matter. Relationships are the greatest asset that you can give yourself; the greatest of all gifts; the greatest of all worldly pleasures which can only grow, prosper and increase its value with every passing day. Cherish each and every relationship and nourish them too. The more you cherish the more you will nourish; and the more you nourish the stronger they will become.

Lastly I will end this ‘lesson of life’ with the quote:

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

                                                                    —Brene Brown

This post is being written for the #MomsforaBetterWorld Project by Women’s Web team

http://www.womensweb.in/2015/05/momsforabetterworld-blogger-contest/

A little flower on the window sill

little flower

A gloomy day or a starry night I stare out through glassy eyes

I see and wonder what is the world like beyond the forbidden high

A doubt in my mind keeps popping up once in a while

Is this life good or just an illusion bright

The green meadows in the horizon call me with open arms

The cascading water of the stream sparkles with an enchanting charm

The murmur of the bees around makes a symphony of myriad sounds

The languid desultory donkey has no happiness bounds

As I see the carefree butterflies drifting in the wind

And smell the dulcet fragrance of the spring

I float into the ethereal world of exuberant felicity

Everywhere I see is serendipity and serendipity

Soon the penchant for a free life is engulfed in clouds of fear

Can I embrace the pain of wear and tear

The wind ripping me apart or the donkey munching me

The apathy of the bees or the brutality of the stream

Life is not always an incandescent halcyon

A placid river with resplendent sheen

It can slaughter dreams with a soundless shrill

Let me be a little flower on the window sill

A Year of Danish Living

‘What only 23 Kgs; are you insane?’

The words blurted out of my mouth as soon as Sudeep told me about the luggage restrictions on our international flight from Delhi to Billund. Disappointment had already started settling in as my mind was busy making various permutation and combination of what to take and what not to take; what was important and what not was important.

‘You have to prioritize dear.’

Up came the prompt reply from him. What does he mean by prioritize! We are not going for a vacation that I have to do priority packing; we will be relocating to a distant place for an uncertain period of time. For me everything is important; everything was on my priority list!

So with the initial setback of ‘priority packing’ and relocating to another country very different from the place where we had been living previously, I wasn’t very enthusiastic about our moving to Denmark, and certainly not Billund. Adding to my woes was travelling alone with all the ‘priority packed luggages’ and a 4 year old demanding kid. ‘Life can be brutal at times!’

The family reunited; The smiles tells it all....

The family reunited; The smiles tells it all….

As I pulled the blinds to greet the day I was instead greeted by this spectacular view outside my window. The grey sky with a slight tinge of colour in the big semicircular rainbow. Wow! The view took my breath away and as my apprehension about the place and the new life waded away, I slowly started to fall in love with this quiet place.

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The gusty cold winds with an overcast sky could not stop us from visiting the heart of the town, ‘Legoland’

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What a smile!

With the onset of summers the first outdoor event that had the sleepy little town going and something different from ‘Legoland’, the Vorbasse Annual Fair.

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I do not like it in here……I am SCARED!!!

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Creepy crawlies are more fun than sitting inside a ball!

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Hey Horsie!!!

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Hello Kitty! Happy Parijas!!

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vorbasse

A Simple Hello can lead to Million Things so ‘Hello New School’

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And Hello New Friends..

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The days moved on and the little one and her parents settled in to the slow moving and peaceful life of Billund. The pace reminded me of my childhood days when I grew up in a small industrial town similar to Billund. The town had mushroomed around the steel plant which was the principal employment provider for the town and its inhabitants.

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We made some great friends and visited some great picturesque locations around the country.

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Aarhus is the second-largest city in Denmark. It is a city with a vibrant mix of youthful energy and a blast from the past.

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Arhus City Centre

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The 360 degrees view point

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The first Vikings Settlement

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And they had some horse driven carriages service too

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Someone's stylish!

Someone’s stylish!

arhus

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billund

Givskud Zoo is a zoo and a safari park about 20 Km from Vejle in Denmark. Whether it is the wide variety of wild animals, or the different species of birds, or just feeding the goats, visiting Givskud Zoo is a great one day visit spot in Denmark.

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Obstacles

The hurdles brought out the kid in Sudeep as the kid looked on….

Skagen is Denmark’s main fishing port which also has a thriving tourist industry, attracting some 2 million people annually.

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Jelling Monument, a world heritage site since 1994. It is Denmark’s first certificate of Baptism. Two Rune stones stand outside the church door. On the minor stone the first mention of the land of Denmark is inscribed. It was erected by King Gorm in memory of his wife Thyra. The white poles which are in the shape of a ship and marked the boundary walls of the Viking village were originally made of wood which wore off with time. As a symbolic gesture, concrete poles were erected in their place and which still give the visitors an abstract idea of ancient times.

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The Rune Stones

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Jelling Church

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The Men at Sea is a 9 metre (30 feet) tall white monument of four seated males, located west of Esbjerg next to Sædding Beach on the southwest coast of Denmark. Located opposite to the Fisheries and Maritime Museum, it is one of the area’s major tourist attractions, and is a famous landmark of Esbjerg

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Four Men at Sea

Four Men at Sea

Flensborg The trading town of Flensburg (or Flensborg in Danish) was founded by Danish settlers and is the northern most German city about 7 Kms from Denmark.

Flensburg Fjord

Vandel Vandel is another quiet town about 7 Kms from Billund and 22 Kms from Vejle in Denmark.

Vandel Church

The view of the Vandel Church

Vejle It is the ninth largest city in Denmark with great communication facilities to all the major towns and cities in the country. It has got a great shopping district especially when you are coming from a small town of Billund. For me it is the nearest shopping heaven. Vejle is most known for its forested hills, fjord, harbour, shopping, pedestrian mall, and iconic windmill. It has even a protected forest area where a wide variety of deers can be found.

8.5-meter granite sculpture featuring biblical relief motifs created by Danish artist Bjørn Nørgaard

8.5-meter granite sculpture featuring biblical relief motifs created by Danish artist Bjørn Nørgaard near the central bus and train station

Denmark was a pleasant surprise for us and certainly Billund in itself is a unique place to live in. Surrounded by ‘Lego’ buildings and ‘Lego People’ we got to see more of Billund than just ‘Lego’.

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Scary Pumpkins, scary kids, scary people, scary Haloweeny Denmark

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Riding the scary way…

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Transforming from cute to scary….

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Christmas in Denmark

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Santa has got a new ride!!

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And we have our own ride!!!

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Winter giveth the fields, and the trees so old,

Their beards of icicles and snow…

—Charles duc d’Orleans

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Welcome the new beginnings–Its Spring time

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Life has come full circle in Denmark now. My stay has completed a whole new year with a whole new experience. From new friends to new traditions, the move to Denmark has added some entirely new perspectives into our lives and we are for sure enjoying them.These little spring blooms mark the beginning of another year with another set of experiences in my year old new home!!